Cracking: Part III
Fear loves for everything to stay clamped shut, tight, clipped. It is limiting and loves the dark. But fear will disappear when the light comes through! I know it is true.
A few weeks ago we went to Sandra McCraken’s Seattle concert. I so wanted to be there. I wanted to listen to her beautiful, life-filled words, but I felt full of these fears that plague me. I felt terribly symptomatic. The kids were acting out for being dragged to the concert. That disappointed me, blind-sided me even, because (for some nutty reason) I thought they would be excited. Oh, the stress of it all was killing me. I wanted to bawl. All day long I had been on the verge of tears due to one uncomfortable stimulus or another- an unintentional, harsh comment, a trip to buy compression hose (an old woman’s need for this young Sick Mommy), particularly cruel behavior from the kids. But, DING DANG IT, I did not want to crack. I wasn’t sure how bad it would be if I let a few tears slide down my cheek. I wasn’t sure if my symptoms would turn into my very worst symptoms and ruin the whole night for me. I prayed through gritted teeth, “God, PLEASE just make this OK!!!” I dragged one of my kids to the back for a scolding. After I sent him back to his daddy, I just stayed in the back with my squirrely baby. I wrestled him and didn’t hear much of anything Sandra said.
After a moment, my mother-in-law, whom I hadn’t yet seen, came back to take the baby off my hands. Instead of rejoining my family, I found a chair in the dark, back corner of the sanctuary and locked myself down. I could see that maybe God was giving me a chance to hear, but I was still so afraid of breaking down. Slowly the words of the songs and the melodies began to seep in, and I softened. My new prayer went up, “God, I am here. I am scared of so many things, and I don’t want to crack, but I know you love me. I’m not alone. Just be with me, please, God.” My insides immediately, palpably unknotted. I was able to breathe out and in. Tears did stream down my cheeks, but it wasn’t big and ugly like I thought it might be. Every little tear was a much needed release, and I know God was indeed with me. He, of course, had been all along because I have Christ in me. I was sure I was at a breaking point, and God gave me the space and time to safely crack a bit.
I’m glad I had that experience. It was just a whetting of my appetite. There is a lot more crackage that needs to happen. Lord, have mercy!