THE ALMOST DANCER Turns One!

I knew it was late October because I remember being worried the promotions would be buried by Halloween pictures. This morning, Facebook reminded me: Today is the day. Last October 28th, my first book, The Almost Dancer, hit the shelves (well, you know… shelf, at least).

What a weirdo! “teddy bears have their picnic?!”

Like everyone else on the planet, this past year did not go at all how I expected it would. Before March came to lock me in my house, many wonderful events and opportunities materialized. Each interview, every book signing, my few little talks required the proverbial iceberg of work to achieve, and the effort was WORTH IT. I felt so present and alive in the new work I drummed up and made for myself. 

Then, in a few government proclamations, the hubbub ceased, and I found myself putting writing and my little baby book on the back burner. It was sad, but I was so busy working hard and loving my children as best I could that I intentionally compartmentalized the loss. There was nothing to be done, really. One woman can only be so many things without the village of support around her. 

Thankfully, the pavement pounding, as it were, that I did up front and the early readers who embraced it had given The Almost Dancer enough momentum to coast on her own for a while. I’ve read that most books will only sell about 200 copies in their whole lifetime. We sold well more than that in the first few months. I was SHOCKED to learn a month or so ago that from January to June I sold about 85 more between online and local shop sales. That doesn’t sound like many at all, but for me, it’s huge. The Amazon rating remains at 5 stars. For a mom who’s lucky to find her buns with both hands and is not doing socials “right” at all, I’m just glad people were still buying it!

Aside from these statistics, the real pay-off has generally come in the form of other people’s tears. Let me ‘splain. The first time someone wrote to me about the tears that stained their copy of the book, I thought, “Wow, if it can break open just one person like this, then all the stress, all the fear, all the WORK have been truly worth it.” Then I got tons more! Of course, the writing was priceless for me personally without anyone seeing it. But, man, having others find their own feelings in my words, find validation, acceptance, encouragement, or conviction led to the most valuable lesson: sharing matters. 

My greatest fear was that the whole thing was stupid vanity project, some stab for significance (again!). Believing that putting my own work out there, maybe especially work that is quite baldly my own soul and details, is valuable has been the most difficult mental exercise of self-discipline and self-talk that I’ve ever engaged. You might think parenting or being sick is harder. It’s not. Parenting comes with deep pains and requires levels of self-denial that top the charts, BUT it also comes (ideally) with unconditional love and responsibility. To decide to show what you made ON PURPOSE with the express intent to MAKE OTHER PEOPLE SEE it is ballsy beyond belief. And, sure, I may be patting myself on the back to say all that, but I’m writing it “out loud” for the sake of all the incredible artists and writers I know who can say YAAAASSSSS, that’s it!

I keep writing “wow” because it’s just the word that comes to my mind all the time when I think of doing this “write a book” thing. WOW, I actually did it! WOW, people actually liked it! WOW, my spirit was freed from so many tethering lies in the process.

So, Happy Birthday, Almost Dancer. I love you. You cost me, no doubt about it. But, it’s all ok. Yes, I know; you’re me. Being one whole person walking towards God is the hardest and best pursuit. 

Readers, you are so kind. You are the reason now that the book will or won’t keep selling. I can only peddle my wares so often without becoming smarmy and disingenuous. Someday it would be lovely to get back to giving seminars or talks, but for now, The Almost Dancer is out there all alone, like a 17 year old ballet kid on an adventure in the big city. Give her a boost when you can: share her, quote a favorite part, ask your library to carry her, give her away for Christmas. I’ll be here, at home, praying for her to keep working hard, to continue to be for “young children doing hard work.” And maybe, I’ll eventually write another one.

And to Doug and Julie Serven at White Blackbird Books, Edward Nudelman, Blaze Bratcher (the cover!!! Still love it so, so much), Brendan, and all the friends who listened to me cope, cope, cope with it all: THANK YOU THE MOST!

Thank you, everyone. Drink some wine for me if it’s safe for you. Otherwise, sparkle water and tea will do just fine ;)

My hair got long instead of my novel